a cup of hope.

Well, as you all can probably guess, I fell off the horse that is Crossfit. I really was having a hard time budgeting the money and figuring out a consistant time I could make it to the gym to do my work outs...in truth, alot has happened since then. Mostly...I had a complete break down. What I am about to admit in this post may come as a surprise to some, others may have seen the signs...but not fully understood exactly what was going on....

About 3-4 weeks ago I had a complete break down. I was sitting in church services and the preacher was talking about marriage...what he had to say hit me...and it hit me hard...I finally accepted that I was not doing what I need to do as a loving, caring, protecting husband to my beautiful wife. I also realized I wasn't doing what I needed to in order to LIVE....truth be told, I have not got an official "diagnosis" on this, but I am sure that for several years now I have been allowing myself to suffer from depression...This depression started out minimally.....but through the past few years has grown to be a giant beast that I allowed to dictate almost every aspect of my life. Some may even be surprised to know that I had considered ending it all before...I was being lazy, gluttonous, rude, angry...I would have fits of rage: at myself and others. I was not living the life I should, nor the life I WANTED to live...I kept thinking about an image I had in my mind...my sister has a picture of me at the top of Mt. Rose. I believe I was 16 or 17 at the time...I looked good, I felt good, I loved life and attacked it with every fiber of my being....I haven't felt that way since. So...

When all of this came up and I started to seriously think about ACTIVELY fighting these beasts I had allowed into my life, one of the things I finally accepted is that I HATED myself. I hated my condition on all fronts...my health, my fitness, my internal drive to attack life, my drive to be a good husband. I had lost it all...and I hated myself for it...but I allowed myself to just slip deeper and deeper into this pit I was digging myself....who knows, maybe in the hopes that one day I'd be buried in that pit....but all of that has changed.....

I took a long, hard, VERY painful look at the things I had allowed in my life and decided that some of the time I would try to "get busy" or try to "distract myself"...but I never fully, actively FOUGHT these beasts...and all of that is changing....

I took a ride with my mother to Pleasanton, CA a couple weeks ago..I loved it. I was reminded of the times my mom and I would go up to Gold Hill or Virginia City, just the two of us, and she would do her show and I'd be there mostly to just give her company and enjoy that time with her. I remember dressing up in my western wear when we would go. I remember the time when we tried to take a back road back home after one of her shows and we got stuck in the snow on a hill and a guy nearby had to pick us up in his backhoe. I was excited and filled with joy again! on the trip we discussed my current condition, how I felt about it, what I wanted to see happen and how I was going to get what I so desired. On this trip I heard some things that were very hurtful, but were necessary. I had heard not only what my mother thought about me...but others...and I was disgusted with myself that I would allow others to think those things of me by me just allowing life to pass me by....one of the things I expressed to her was my absolute disgust but my feeling of hopelesssness with my weight, my health, and my fitness. Since that time when I was 16-17 I probably have gained 50 pounds. I can tell that even my range of motion, my mobility has become obviously limited since then. I have problems with breathing, especially weezing at night, snoring etc. I don't like how I feel at all....well, I told her and we came up with a plan. I would return to the gym and I would have my membership paid for AS LONG AS I went AT LEAST 3 times a week....well, this past week was my first week back...and I have 4 out of 5 days at the gym under my belt! I have spoken at length with people around me to try and figure out a schedule that would work consistantly and work best for my life and for those around me. I am now going to Crossfit Initiative at 6 AM in the morning! no one in their right mind should EVER get up at that hour...ESPECIALLY to go punish themselves by working out.....but it needs to get done. I am already feeling better, and not just about the fitness aspect. I feel better about life in general again. I am starting to feel hope again...but, I have felt this before...and then life crushed me...and then I just fall off the horse again, pick up my shovel and start digging at the pit again. I hope though! I hope that I can continue down this road. I hope I can be that friend again that others can rely on. I hope that I no longer have people ashamed or disgusted by me behind my back but, rather, I hope they will be proud of what I am going to be once again. I have hope to be the son, brother, uncle, friend...husband...that this world deserves of me again!...and I hope you alll will forgive me for giving up and for falling off the horse and take me back again and share in this journey with me again. I hope that I can lose this weight, get better fit, and be all-around a healthier person...on the inside and out. This will be a long journey. Some of these beasts have grown to the point that I will, undoubtedly, fight them for the rest of my life. I have alot of ground to make up in my fitness goals as well...but I am ready, willing and able to make this WORK! I want to lose close to all this extra weight within a year. I am already excited about the progress I have seen just in this week, but I told a few people already that the real goal is to look back in a year and say "yup. I made it...I didn't see huge numbers week to week or month to month...but now, looking back from a year later, I can see the progress I have made." and...here is the biggest long term goal I have in mind so far for my fitness....I hope to be competing in the Crossfit Games in 2015! I don't care if I win a medal or even make it to the final group or whatever...but I want to qualify so that I can enter that arena, look into the crowd and be counted as a Crossfit Athlete!

You may be wondering where I got the idea for the title of this blog...for some, what follows might be a bit too preachy...if so, just simply pass over this part....

while self-examining myself over these past few weeks I picked up a book that makes a comparison of the reader to the Mighty Men of David....for those of you who do not know what I am talking about, there was 3 men that king David refered to as his Mighty Men. They were with him when he fled from Saul, who was trying to kill him. They were with him when he went into battle in Ziklag...and they were there when he was stuck in a cave on probably one of his deepest spells of depression. He and his men were surrounded by the Philistine army...a fierce army that took no prisoners. As they were cornered in this cave I get the image of David laying out on that cold damp floor on the verge of tears. tired, in pain, in anguish...and he says these words "Oh, that someone would bring me a cup of water to drink from the well in Bethlehem". It is the next part that gave me the inspiration for the title...while in that cave, watching their great leader in a deep dark depression and upon hearing him say these words 3 three Mighty Men broke THROUGH the philistine army lines, went to Bethlehem, fetched him some water and, AGAIN, broke through the lines to bring David a small glass of water...but what did they really give him? They gave him hope. He has been running from Saul...He can't go home to his wife....he is completely drained internally...he is now surrounded by the Philistine army...and they broke through those lines TWICE just to bring him a cup of hope....THAT is what I am looking forward to...I am looking forward to HOPE again. I am looking forward to waking up every day and saying to myself "ALRIGHT! what do I get to do TODAY?!" I am looking forward to that vigor for life again. I feel it coming back slowly...and I hope it keeps coming. I need all your thoughts and prayers on this journey. I am enthused right now...but I know that the day may come when I find myself in a deep, dark, damp cave...laying on my side...surrounded by armies of my own creation...feeling absolutely drained and hopeless, but knowing that you all will be there for me will give me hope. Thank you for reading.